DO NOT READ MY WEB-SITE

Such was the e-mail that I received from twodog2, a modern-day "Dashan" and proprietor of legendary tea outfitters, white2tea. This pertained to a particular tea, named "2002 White Whale", a sample of which he had recently sent me.  Call me Ishmael.

I resisted the temptation to READ HIS WEB-SITE, and instead sat down to the tea-table with the sample. After one infusion, I had sent him a simple e-mail containing only the following.

I think we might perhaps end the article at this point, for there is no need to go on - everything that needs to be said, has been said.

Let us suppose, however, that you, Gentle Reader, wished for a little more of the informations. Were you to find yourself in such a position, I would describe this little (100g?) brick in some detail.

First, the wrapper. The "first bite is taken with the eye", after all, and here we have a wrapper that reminds of Mr. Scruff during his classical period. This is a very positive association - I recall that my dear wife and I had our engagement party at a Mr. Scruff gig. There was even, in the corner of the nightclub, a "tea corner" serving actual tea.

Denuding the brick of its wrapper leaves us with the image shown above, in which we have some amorphous collection of weeny leaves in reasonable condition. They are quite dark, but they are not your usual zhuancha mulchy devilsputum. They have a scent, which is clean and sweet, if a little distant. First impressions remain favourable for a brick.

It is, however, when the tea is poured out of the pot in the first infusion that the provervial sh** gets proverbially real.

It releases our inner Samuel L. Jackson. Before long, I am stood proudly astride my chair, shouting lines from Pulp Fiction, and banging out a missive to Mr. twodog2.

Were I to indulge your eye for detail, Gentle Reader, I might point out that this tea has a heavy, sweet, and long-lasting initial scent that lasts in excess of 1.0 Terran minutes. The soup is clear, and, as you may surmise, heavy orange. I would then go on to point out that this little badboy is sharp, woody, clean, and sweet. Its duration in both mouth and throat is first-class, while it leaves behind the welcoming characteristic of rancid pine - in a nice way.

Were you to press me for further details, I would observe its smooth body and hint of wildflowers; I would describe it as "full" and "accomplished", and that its quality stands out from the herd like a tall American male in the middle of downtown Beijing. I might even stoop to the use of phrases such as "superfly" and "TNT every time my fingers touch brain".

Then, Gentle Reader, we would consider the price. We would, now feeling permitted to READ HIS WEB-SITE, log onto white2tea.com and note that this shockingly potent little warhead costs just 15 (fifteen) American dollars. We would, consequently, immediately order 25 of them, thereby purchasing the 2.5kg tong equivalent in which my soul seems to trade these days.  My laboratory is currently filled with the little charmers.

Gentle Reader, in closing I would state that, if you have a soul, and if are not an empty husk of a man subsisting on hatred and bitterness alone, then you, too, might enjoy this little tea.

Actually, even if you are an empty husk of man, subsisting on hatred and bitterness alone, then I would hazard to estimate that you will probably find this tea enjoyable.

In the words of Jules Winnfield, "...that's all you had to say".

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Edit: this seems to jump in and out of "in stock" and "on backorder" at white2tea suggesting that stock numbers are draining and being replenished.