07 March, 2014

A Punch in the Netherdimensions

Did you ever try a tea that made you wish you could go back in time and regain the time spent at the tea-table by avoiding the tea in question?  I give you the 2011 Chawangpu "Baoshan Yesheng".

To say that this tea "sucks" would be to discredit things that actually suck.  This tea is so far deep beyond suction that new adjectives must be constructed, in bespoke manner.  We need a word artisan to hand-craft a new adjective that suitably describes this tea.  In the absence of such finesse, we will opt for the temporary placeholder phrase: "totally sucks".

There was a Jet Li (I think) film, once, in which the main character (a monk, predictably enough) expounded on teas: he said that every tea is magnificent, even the most humble tea.  Every tea was worthy of respect, because the grandeur of its creation and its presence, here and now, is beyond the faculty of language to describe - indeed it is beyond the self to comprehend the true nature of the tea in the cup.  Every tea is not just a tea, but an inexpressible example of Buddhanature, brewed at the current instant, which tastes unlike all other teas because it is part of that instant.

However, I'm fairly confident that, if Jet Li's character tried this Chawangpu Baoshan Yesheng, he would said, "Oh man, that really sucks.  Like, totally."

Baoshan is a place far away.  Even in Yunnan, which is far away in the general sense, Baoshan is far removed from pretty much everywhere.  It is beyond Simao, beyond Lincang, and has borders with Dehong.   It is so unimaginably remote that it is next to Xiaguan country.

Baoshan probably has some amazing teas.  Tucked away in its remote location, there are probably unspeakably ancient arboreal grandfather trees, quietly producing ninjitsu pu'ercha on a regular basis.  The tea is probably famous among the locals, allowing them to reach unimaginable life-spans, and imparting to them the deep secrets of the primeval forests of which the trees are the last living creature capable of remembering.  It is, perhaps almost literally, the fruit of the Gods, the holy grail, the remaining link of mankind to an aeon now long past.

Not, however, this tea.  It really, totally sucks.

Thanks to Jakub for the session.


Mihu Gong said...

Hey Hobbes,

thats really a curious and funny post. I just wish I knew how the tea actually tasted.. Just bitter? No taste at all?
Given the humourous notes you used in order to describe how bad it is, I'd be delighted to read in the same style about in what way it acutally is bad..


Hobbes said...

Dear Mihu,

It's a curious little cake! The hint is in the photograph of my diary, shown above - it was a strange mixture of raw straw, sweetness, earthiness - but definitely that bizarre "Baoshan" regional flavour that I *really* have not come to appreciate, despite several attempts at trying. :)